Good. And You?

I can not think of a social convention that irritates me more than being asked the question, "How are you?" Though many people won't admit it, I know I am not the only one. Years ago there was a group of us who greeted each other with the phrase, "Good. And you?" It was our way of thumbing our noses at convention and cutting to the chase.

Many people feel it is necessary to greet each other this way but they seldom listen to the answer so there is no value in asking the question. It is disingenuous and, at least for me, has the opposite effect originally intended. I know I have an obligation to respond, "I am well, thank you. How are you?" I don't like people making me feel obligated to do anything, especially when it is the clerk in my grocery store, my librarian, the fellow at the dry cleaners or my neighbor's daughter wanting to sell me girl scout cookies. How is it social to obligate someone to participate in a phony conversation? In the event I am not well, I dislike responding "good" or "well" because this is a lie but this is an instance where it is socially polite to lie. Now the questioner has obligated me to not only participate in a conversation I'd rather not but they've also obligated me to lie. Further, I am obligated to ask the same question in return. I personally do not believe in asking questions to which I do not expect an honest answer but I also do not want to know that the cashier at my grocery store has plantar fasciitis and their feet are killing them. I am not an uncaring person but I can't fix their problem and frankly, I just need to get home to cook dinner.

In business, when answering my telephone often the first question I am asked is, "How are you?" My stock response is, "How may I be of assistance to you?" More often than not, because the caller didn't care in the first place, they tell me why they are calling but once this did not happen. The caller asked me again, "How are you?" I repeated my offer of assistance. The caller stated he would tell me as soon as I answered his question. This forced me to explain, while I appreciated his inquiry, my welfare was none of his concern but I was eager to find out what service I could be to him. The caller became belligerent (which was likely his intent to begin with) and it took me several minutes to find out what he needed. Again I ask, how is this social?

Does all this mean I don't care about people? Of course not. I care a great deal about people. I am not going to ask a stranger how they are because it is none of my business. If they want to tell me, they will and I will
listen as sympathetically and with as much support or praise as time permits. I care even more deeply for my friends; both real life friends and friends I have a virtual relationships with. I show I care by listening. If something is wrong they need support with, they will tell me, either straight out or in the other things they say to me or to other friends we share. If everything is going well for them I will hear this the same way and rejoice in their happiness.

I'd like to see the new social convention be to listen. Anyone who really cares will close their mouth and open their ears and heart. What do you think?