Holden Caulfield, Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
Today I heard someone speak this quote from the character Holden Caulfield in Catcher In The Rye and it really struck me. I'm not sure I could have expressed this as an adolescent but I know just what the character means.
Notice this statement is from the viewpoint of the more affluent Caulfield. “You think...that they don't give a damn whose suitcases are better, but they do. They really do.” So who is the one who is really bothered by the difference? Caulfield is uncomfortable enough that he would rather room with a “stupid bastard.” He is not immune to the differences between them and acts accordingly. The last time I became homeless, people who spoke with me the week before suddenly stopped speaking with me. This may have happened when I was previously homeless but I had not noticed. All I know is, I had not asked anyone for anything but they still steered clear. Once I struggled to my feet again a few of those people reflected to me how admirable it was that I was able to work my way back to normalcy again.
I think it would be asking a lot of me to forget who those people are. I have not. I never bring it up but it is there. It taught me what is in the heart of many. If people see a weakness, in this case poverty, people will shun you as Caulfield shunned his roommate. I've learned that about people. I knew it before but could not express it effectively and besides, who would I express it to?
I often feel strong knowing the things I've survived but then I feel weak because I am forever the pariah. I don't have a safety net. I can't “network.” Networking involves schmoozing , connecting and being connected with others in the hope that something will come back to you. Don't get me wrong – I'm not a wallflower. I enjoy meeting people so I can connect them with other people. The only one that is missing from the equation is me.
Sometimes I am angry I am not like other people but that same thing that is not like other people is appealing for some and liberating for me. I don't have to kiss ass because I am not going to get anything in return regardless of my behavior. Knowing that, it is freeing to be who I am. I know how to play the game but I won't because people are the same in the end, whether you ask anything of them or not. They worry about themselves, their image, what spoils they will collect.
Like Caulfield's roommate, people can see my suitcase. It may be sturdier and show fewer nicks but it's the same suitcase. I can't leave behind the suitcase because that luggage remembers who I am. Funny how it never works in reverse. No one gripes of good baggage gone bad except the tabloids. Even the tabloids admire a good suitcase that has gone around the world, been beaten up but returns well, to the right destination.
People expect bad baggage to return where it came from or not at all. And if it was bad to begin with, who will miss it?
Years ago, I got downsized out of a longtime job (12 years) and then, months later, got a temp job in the vicinity of where I'd worked previously. At the end of one day, I was waiting for a commuter train and saw a couple people from my former job on the same platform. I went over. "Hey, how's it going?", I asked. They never even looked at me. I tried to hail them three times. Nada. Not even a glance.
ReplyDeleteI was so hurt, I walked all the way upstairs instead of waiting for my train on the boarding platform. I wanted to be sure they were gone from the platform before I went downstairs again. I went out of my way to avoid running into former workmates after that. It hurt enough to lose the job without being treated that way into the bargain.
Gabey, that is heart breaking. Even with decades of seeing that kind of behavior, I still fail to understand the motivations of some people. They should have been happy to see you out and about, as this is indication you had recovered from the setback and had gotten on with your life. I'm sorry you had to be exposed to their selfish heartlessness.
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